What comes after love? Hate. Respect.
Been contemplating in publishing this post. I hesitated for long, a lot of ugly events had been unfolded for the past week. I couldn’t concentrate on my studies at all, sleepless night was almost my daily routine. It was such a painful week to begin with, and it didn’t end good as well.
But I believe she deserves something from me, after what she has done and contributed to me. Perhaps a recognition, a tribute, an appreciation. This isn’t something memorable, significant, but hopefully it represents my sincerity in mending the distances between us.
‘Shut up asshole’
The very first time I received such a rude message from her. She was never that type, heck, she even stopped me from cursing anything. It was shocking to be frank, I never expect such an anger expression from her, perhaps I don’t understand her at all.
Only now did I realise how deep she hates me after the break up. A call at night confirmed my speculation, she hates me. Cursing started to hurl against me, I was trying to calm myself down, knowing clearly that it was not the time to show my ego. I ain’t someone who will accept criticism easily, maybe it’s my nature as a debater to always have the winning passion, the rebuttal enthusiasm. But I was surprising calmed, listening to every of her sharp words against me, I didn’t stop her from doing so, it could make her feel better, for the least, it was something I can do after all these shits around.
I’m sorry for everything.
Maybe this does not matter to her anymore. Apology means nothing than just a bunch of words string together by a jerk hoping it would solve everything around. I was so naive, thinking that apology could do me some good. Heck, I even told my friends that we both were on good terms again. It was very naive of me, after 2 failed relationship, after disappointing virtually every woman close to me, I flunked everything again. As much as she does not want to accept this, I truly wish that one day, she will drop by me and says ‘Hi!’, albeit without any hard feelings.
I once had this hope that, breaking up does not constitute the rule of thumb, I had this hope that friendship will remain as it is, and honestly, I thought I could go against this modern myth.
‘What a big joke’, I told to myself.
It’s just simply unworkable.
I do not hate you and never will.
As much as I feel disheartened by how everything changed between us, from love to hate, but no, I have never hated her, not a bit. I treasure all the moments between us, it will serve as a good remembrance, for what I have gone through an amazing journey with someone that I loved. I was very surprised, to see how fast your feelings towards me changed. It was exactly 13 days and 18 hours ago, the last ‘I Miss You’ message I received from you, and it was 9 days and 8 hours, ‘Let’s end this’.
To see the way you treated me as a stranger, as a murderer. To know now that you wish me will get hit by a car at this very second, every single heartbeat of mine is like a knife, cutting pieces of flesh up. Painful.
Don’t hate me.
I admit that I’m partly to be blamed for everything surrounds us. People looking at me as though I cheated you, played with your feelings, and your roommate gone as far as labeling me as immature, questioning my behaviour towards you. Maybe I deserve this all. But their impressions, perceptions towards are in no way more important than yours. I couldn’t satisfy everyone around me, it seems now that people jump on the chance to blame me for everything. But I truly know, I can change your perception on me. I wish I have the magic wand to make you forget about me but I was jostled back into the reality, there isn’t anything but hatred after break up.
Don’t hate me. Please. The last thing I want it to happen is for you to hate me.
If thousands of apologies can change you, I will say it a million.
TAKE CARE
For now, I will leave you alone. If one day, perhaps you have a change of mind, do drop by and say ‘helo’ to me. 
++++++
I apologize for this emotional post. I’m sorry I sound like a girl. I don’t know where to channel my feelings right now. It was a tough week. Real tough indeed. But I’m happy that I braced it through, like a man.
Appreciation to my friends, for being there when I need you guys, and not complaining when I mumbled around. Certainly, each and everyone of you all makes me stronger in confronting this issue.
it’ll all pass through. take it as an experience, learn from it, be a better person. and just pray that it doesnt end this bad again next time. break-ups are never a happy ending. i remembered mine, which i didnt even talk to her for like, 2 years or smth? we’re even in the same class =.=”. so i can somehow get what ur feeling. nonetheless, its the past already, so concentrate on ur studies now
take careee. we’ll always be there for u. ABS
August 1, 2009 @ 10:37 pm
No. you aren’t acting like a girl.
It’s normal for you to release your sadness.
It won’t be normal if you hide your own feelings and you might end up some kind of disorder.
Like I always say, time heals.
Don’t blame anyone or anything.
People just change without reason and you must be tough to overcome it.
Whatever past is past.
Look forward and achieve the best for your own.
Life is about moving on after all. =)
August 2, 2009 @ 4:05 am
I have moved on guys.
And it’s been great having you guys around.
Every bit of your action makes me realise,
that there’s more to see in the world.
Thanks!
My life goes on.
August 5, 2009 @ 2:59 pm