I’m excited. I think I am excited. I think I’m trying to be excited.

Not sure what’s fiddling with my emotions but I feel I’ve a lot of unfinished businesses back here. Things I’ve to do, words I’ve to say, stories I’ve to tell. It’s not like I’ll never come back, it’s only for a month, but I will be jetting off with a heavy heart, knowing that there’s still a big burden not lifted off my shoulder.

Everything we have or don’t have are the results from every choices we make. ‘Make things happen, not let it happen. If the grass is greener on the other side, that’s because they took care of it.”

Guess I didn’t make things happen then.

That’s what new year’s all about. Bringing family & friends together. As everyone now brave the city exodus & traffic standstill, virtually turning all major highways in the country into a parking lot, with just a single aim in mind: to make it back home in time for the reunion dinner. To savage back memories that are long lost. To find our way back home, to where we belong. It’s perfectly true that there’s no place like home. Not a fancy bungalow, not a table full of scrumptious dishes will replace the warmth of being in companion of family & friends. A place is as only good as the people make it to be.

Now the difference between Christmas, New Year and Chinese New Year is that no one writes about making new year’s resolutions or ponders the meaning of life and etc because Chinese New Year is all about family reunion, eating, drinking and gambling. This festival always bring to mind the movie; Four weddings and a funeral (so, excuse me) because it might be true, alot of times we only see some relatives either during weddings or funerals, and Chinese New Year.

“It is all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreak ones, that make up who you are as a person.”

Happy Chinese New Year and Gong Xi Fatt Chai!

When you have a dream and it takes hold of you, what can you do? Do you run with it or let it go and you’ll be thinking for the rest of your life, what might have been. We had so many dreams as children. Where do they all go when we grow? Are they swallowed up by the mundane things of everyday life? Or do we lose them, leave them behind us in the dust?

If you take chances, and you mess up, you move on. You want to try something, and if it was a stupid thing to try, you look it in the eye and think, “well, as least I know not to do that again.” There’s no turning back. You apologise if you’re sorry, but you can’t cry over spilled milk. If you’re jealous, psych yourself out of it. If you have to lie to make everything alright again, lie like you mean it. If you find yourself stuck in a rut, stand up and jiggle your brains. If you think you love this person, you tell him or her how you feel, sometimes that’s all it takes.

And things happen— people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them or fall out of love, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. We are like water vessels. When the cracks start to open upand we finally can see one another, because we see out of our facades through the cracks and into each other. Before that, we were just looking at ideals of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside.

Some days our heart aches that we are not at ease with our world so full of strives and uncertainties. But isn’t that better than not feeling at all? Maybe we should be grateful that there is beauty in uncertainty. Maybe we should be comforted in the fact that the ache and confusion in our heart means that we are very much alive and human.

Sometimes we need to be more open to exploring the unknown, just jump on the wave and see where it goes. Those moments are often the most truthful.

I’ve been keeping myself occupied ever since my break started after my finals. Got myself a planner to list down all the things to be accomplished, complete with timeline and progress check. Yes, I’m an organised person like this. While at times I can turn out to be pretty spontaneous, often go along with the flow, there are times when I just have to have a clear plan in mind. It gives me a full sense of certainty and allows me to picture an aftermath.

Spent most of my break planning for my upcoming Europe backpacking trip. This idea of having this trip of a lifetime has been lingering at the back of my mind for the past one year and it’s really something close to my heart. I’ll be away for a month, and truth to be told, it takes a lot of courage to hop on the bandwagon to pull off something of this scale. Now that everything has been laid out, I can finally take a sigh of relief as I moved on to other priorities.

Went uphill to Cameron Highlands to experience some cold weather last week. That’s the closest thing to European winter I have back in Malaysia. While the wind can be really chilly at times, I thoroughly enjoyed the breeze up there. It was a leisure trip, we literally spent time watching TV and cooking our own steamboat. No packed schedule, no long tours, just being spontaneous. This may well be the last time I’d be with this group of friends as we all part from here.

I guess we all run on two clocks. One is the external clock, where you follow the tide and the season. The other is the inside clock, where you are your own timekeeper and determine your own chronology, your own internal weather and your own rate of living. Sometimes the inner clock runs itself out long before the outer one, and you feel like a zombie going through the motions of living.

Sometimes we wish we can recapture our youthful lust and zest for life. We wish we have something to take us back to those childhood days and those feelings. Somehow those days are gone now. We’re numb. Sometimes we’re lost — putting up dreams into the sky and dodging all the things that tear us down. As my elders would say, “The days of I’ll wait for you after work” are gone. Now it’s a Facebook poke or an impersonal how are you on sms. And we’re not even missing out because, well maybe we just don’t care as much any more.

I don’t really remember the last time I cried, like the-full-of-intense-feeling-crying that’s enough to induce those rolling tears. I’ve stopped tearing ever since I saw my mom cried over a complicated work matter. I figured out I’d have to be strong for the family, for friends. And tearing up is a global sign of weakness, I just hate to display those weaknesses in public. It doesn’t feel right.

But that doesn’t mean I’ve lost my humane touch. And definitely not an indication of a ignorance to problems I’ve had. Everyone has their fair share of bad circumstances, broken relationships, failures in life and that list goes on and on. It’s part & parcel in life. While it gives right to everyone to bitch/rant about it all day long, ultimately it’s really down to each individual to manage their affair in a manner they’d feel comfortable. Some feel obliged to tell the whole world about it, some feel the need to scout for attention, some choose to soak themselves in a corner, or some will just sweep it under the table.

I’ve grown up to be not judgmental, and to learn that differing personalities are the diversity blessed in our lives. We are bound to meet people who deal with their circumstances differently, and who are we to say that they are wrong? But there comes a point when there’s a limit to such. There comes a point where you just have to accept the adversities in life, that these are challenges life thrown at you. Blaming the circumstances will not do any better, but taking charge will change it, be it for the better or worse. What matters when you keep soldier on with that burning desire?

One of my good friend gave me this book for Christmas. It’s about how a wrestler, without proper limbs, set forward in his life for one goal – to win a wrestling championship. It’s hard to imagine how’s it like for a normal person to step on the fighting ring. Kyle Maynard, who already has a physical disadvantage never counts his disability a burden, but a motivation to work harder, better.

So next time if you think you are going through a hard patch, think again. Things might not be as difficult as it seems. Take a step backward and have a bird eye view. It might not even be a problem in the first place!

She left me with a note,

“You may have all your limbs but I have full faith that you can will also end up a champion in life.”

This is also one of those times when many people will reflect on their life. And the media will be bombarding us with The Ten Best.. Worst.. Most Inspiring.. Most Beautiful.. but any intense thoughts are furthest from my mind. What can you really say when Rebecca Black got 100 million hits on YouTube? But is life really all there is, and then you die? Is there a heaven? I hear that it’s a paradise; filled with love and happiness. Or maybe we end up in hell rather than heaven. Or somewhere in between??

We think there is always a tomorrow so “why not wait, what’s the rush, why act now, why expose our feelings today?” Why risk being vulnerable or look foolish? Why take the chance? You know why?? Because today what we feel, what we love, what is real, is what we have. Tomorrow it may all change. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes, because you’ll never get another one quite like it.

And if you are frighten of taking your next step, embrace the uncertainty. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise your faith, your heart and your mind and create your own path towards your happiness. Allow it to lead you to your hopes and dreams.

Sometimes being happy is hard, it’s exhausting. You have to do things that scare the hell out of you even. You have to get your hands a little dirty sometimes. And it is so easy for us to forget the simplest of things while we fervently spend our days trying to learn how to be happy. Maybe we ought to think about the stuff that makes the stars and that being happy didn’t have to be so difficult.

Life can push pretty hard sometimes but if you look close enough you find joy in the words of children, in the lyrics of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. Simple things like that –like the sound the waves make. No matter how much faith we carry within us, there will be times when we feel lost, confused, scared. It is the way of the human heart. Life can be magnificent and overwhelming all at the same time. Someone once described life without beauty, love or danger, it would almost be too easy to live.

And if we should ever find ourselves lost, we just have to simply take a breath and start over. Sometimes we build something only to have it tear down when the feeling no longer suits us. We have to retrace our steps and go back to that place in our heart — where our hope lives and find our way again. Sure, we make mistakes and we think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go. Sometimes we have to let go even if it hurts.

And just you remember this, “even a map cannot show you the way back to a place that no longer exists.”

—

“Think back and replay your year; if it doesn’t bring you tears of either joy or sadness, consider it wasted.” 

Have a mind-blasting 2012!

This is also a time when a lot of people try to figure out the meaning of life, or look to God– God can exist or not, life can be meaningless or important, either way– we’re on this big wheel that goes round and round and it never stops. At any given moment, you can be flying high, and it’s all a bed of roses. But one more spin and it’s broken glasses, shattered dreams and day turning into night, hope into helplessness. There’s something scary about that and there’s something beautiful about it.

Sometimes life hits you right smack in the eye — you can be facing a moment that is literally a life or death situation or having the best time of your life. When you’re faced with true life – it’s either you’re at the height of happiness or the depth of despair. And that’s what I find quietly beautiful and profoundly sad about it.

Our lives is always spinning and revolving and we should embrace it wholeheartedly. We should endeavour to enjoy as many amazing experiences as we can find. And we should not fear the bad times slipping in because they’re part of the tapestry of life. Even if the worst imaginable thing has happened, we have to believe that there is some spark to be found in the most dismal of times. There’s always a silver lining behind the darkness.

And we have to keep in mind that whichever side of the wheel we’re on — the other side is waiting for us; if it’s going to come, and when it does, we have to be ready with our eyes wide open. Because you never know what’s coming or what it’s going to be. Maybe what is written is true, we each have a destiny to fulfil and we’re all floating around accidental-like on a breeze — and both are happening at the same time.

—

How was your Christmas? Mine was sweet & memorable. 

Day 2 of my week-long break. Spent most of the day traveling around inside the car.

The thing about traveling that I enjoy most is the chance to observe the local culture, the people & their daily activities. It gives me a brief peek into their lives, an opportunity to appreciate the diversity in life than we all seem to have taken for granted.

Sometimes we should just take a step back and look around, merriment is all around you.

Some people are afraid to love. And can we blame them? When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open. You let them inside a part of you and you become vulnerable because from henceforth they can hurt you. And when they hurt, it can be devastating. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you like that. And for some people who are hurting, they may even ask themselves; what is wrong with me that no one can love me? To have it happen once is bad enough but to have it repeated? Who the hell in their right mind would not be terrified of that?

Love is always new regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life. It can consign us to heaven or hell. Is it worth it when it could mean hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness?

We want to fall in love because the experience makes us feel alive. Our every sense is heightened, our every emotion is intensified. Sometimes it may just last a moment, an hour, an afternoon, sometimes all we are left with are memories. But you have to love like crazy, madly and with passion because there are too many mediocre things in life already and love shouldn’t be one of them. This is what I have always believed in and how I lived by.

Of course, we have loved and been loved. And sometimes that experience in itself, is worth all the heartaches that came with it. Sometimes we think that to develop an open heart, to be truly in love, means that we need to be passive, to allow others to use us, to abuse us, take advantage of us, do what they want with us. But if you are in that frame of thinking when in love, then you better check your emotions at the door my dear.

It is quite true to say that we are driven by two basic motivational forces; fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back, when we are in love, we are open to all that life has to offer with passion and excitement. But we need to overcome the main hurdle, we need to learn to love ourselves first. If we cannot love ourselves, how can we truly love others? Some of us may have figured that out long ago but we are still struggling with it.

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. And you can’t force love. It’s there or it isn’t. If it’s not there, you’ve got to be able to accept it. If it is there, you’ve got to do whatever it takes to protect the love.

Sometimes we love someone so much, you can’t see yourself without picturing the person. To know what it’s like to touch someone, and feel like you’ve come home. It’s like you’re meant to be together. Some people spend their whole lives looking for that one person. Love is not the promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every minute of the day. That is just being ‘in love’, love itself is what is left when being in love has burned away.

Sometimes you tell yourself; I don’t want to grow up; I don’t want to be an adult. Acting grown up and being an adult is hard, you have only yourself to depend on and you have to take care of yourself. Sure, you may have your family and maybe a partner or friends with you, but ultimately you are alone, you have always been alone and you will end up alone. Someday everything will end and you will be forgotten and no one will even remember you. Some mornings these thoughts run through my mind and I think I must be the most morbid creature there is in this world.

So this week I am going to take plenty of time to breathe, stretch and relax, it’s taking a little longer than usual to feel refreshed once again. Sometimes issues weigh in and you feel overwhelmed. Despite my best efforts to look after myself during the day, I’ve yet to sleep through the night this past week, and I feel my body and mind is suffering. And I slipped, stumbled and injured myself. The moral of the story is always be in the moment and pay attention especially when a sign says “Slippery when wet.”

I have a confession to make, some mornings I just want to have a decadent sweet breakfast; a glass of hot Milo and waffle biscuits because it makes me feel like a kid and I have to say it relaxes me and you know how much I love my coffee in the morning. It reminds me of childhood when my mother used to make me milo before I go to school.

I just have to remind myself that wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, I’m going to be just fine. Believe me when I say how hard it is to eat right, move our bodies, take care of ourselves, focus and face with bravery any issues we have on hand.

Have a beautiful December everyone.